I wrote the majority of this blog post in 2020, as we were preparing to send our girls to school. As I reread and edit it today, I am shocked to be feeling the same things again. I ignorantly thought we’d be heading into a “normal” school year this year. With Covid surging again locally, we will be starting another school year with masks, social distancing and quarantining at the forefront of our minds.
Last year, I read a quick post on Instagram from Tiffany with We Five Kings about all the emotions she has felt throughout quarantine, or the “coronacoaster” as she called it. The post listed every single emotion I think one can feel. And then it hit me. I have been in a real funk the past couple of weeks, feeling run down and tired and a terrible headache almost around the clock.
I think I could count on one hand the amount of times in my life I have said the phrase, “I am really stressed out.” For me, my stress comes out in my body and how I feel. In college, I had the most uncomfortable back pain I had ever felt for almost a month. I had a couple massages, lived on a heating pad and was taking Ibuprofen around the clock. I got almost no relief, until the thing I was stressed about was behind me, only then did I realize that I was worried about it and the back pain was gone almost immediately.
My older girls start school next week. And I am stressed out and worried about it, again. There, I said it. And I instantly feel better. Just admitting that I am stressed and worried about it is helpful. It has been on my mind around the clock for weeks.
I am so thankful that this will be the girls’ second year at their school, they are walking into a familiar place, where they know their friends and the staff. We didn’t have that luxury last year and it really scared me. However, they walked in like champs last year and did amazing. The resiliency of these young kids blows my mind every day.
The school has done a tremendous job keeping parents informed all summer long and have prepared an excellent game plan to return to school again this year. I am confident that the school is taking all the reasonable steps to avoid the exposure and spread of COVID, but that doesn’t mean I am not stressed about it.
The emotional roller coaster that this pandemic has caused blows my mind. We are unbelievably fortunate to have not been directly impacted by this pandemic still. Matt’s job has not been in jeopardy and my kids are young enough that we didn’t have to do any distance learning when schools were closed in 2020. I am incredibly grateful for that.
Then why has this taken such an emotional toll? I’m not sure, honestly. I have had a constant inner monologue of back and forth of, “this is a huge deal, someone we know will die” to “this doesn’t seem to be as big of a deal as I originally thought.” And, “we are fine, we are all healthy, we are going to go to dance or camp or vacation” to thinking, “how irresponsible of me to send my children there” or “we shouldn’t have let the girls play sidewalk chalk with the girls across the street.” Every back and forth you can imagine, every single day, since March of 2020. And we have so much to be thankful for and yet, I have struggled with this. The back and forth is exhausting, it is mentally so incredibly taxing. I cannot imagine the emotional toll that this has taken on those who have been gravely impacted by this.
I have to give myself a break, I have got to give myself a mental break. I have stopped watching the news altogether and that has made a huge difference. I found myself completely overwhelmed by the influx of information that does not directly apply to me and that I can do nothing about. Working out has become my go to for giving myself a “mental break.” It gives me time to just concentrate on one thing and it makes me feel strong. Yesterday, I sat down and read Vogue magazine from cover to cover. It was glorious. This used to be a monthly tradition for me, but I don’t think I’ve done that since Lillian was born. I have got to get these moments or by the end of the day my brain feels so fatigued and I am just exhausted.
So, ready or not, school is starting. In some form or fashion, it is happening. I am confident in our decision to send our girls to school in person. It is best for them and for me. But I am still worried. I am worried that we will only make it a month and will be sent home to quarantine. I am concerned that my girls’ experience with school will be tainted by a staff that is forced to wear masks and constantly make sure the children are social distanced and vigorously keeping the classrooms clean. I am mad, mad as hell, that they won’t be able to run up and hug their teachers without wondering if it’s okay to do. I am pissed that the school year is again so different than it should be, so different for so many people. Yet, I am thankful my kids are young enough to not really be impacted. It’s so crazy to feel that swing of emotion in less than a minute. I am happy, grateful, sad, mad, angry, anxious, thankful and overwhelmed. All at the same time. It is most definitely the “Coronacoaster” of emotions.
We are moving forward. We are moving forward in faith, that we have made the right decisions for our family. And having faith that we will be alright no matter what comes our way.
So, no matter what your back to school season or coming out of this summer looks like, it’s okay to hold all the emotions, feel all the things. You are not alone. Remember to give yourself some grace and make sure you get a break from time to time.
